nomadic life guide

The Worst towns in Britain

Having travelled around much of the UK and writing guides about where you should go, we decided to put together a ‘where not to go to’ guide for a change. These are the worst places that we have come across in our travels so far. Some UK towns and cities are famously bad so we just don’t go there anyway, these are the places that we went to out of curiosity when passing and we’re horrified by. We are quite sure there are more of them out there, we just hope we don’t discover them. All are based on our actual observations, some require a little pinch of salt, others, are the cold hard truth. Can you tell which is which?

Wrexham is the largest town in North Wales and has more than one estate that would benefit from a large electrified perimeter fence to keep the animals in. These human shaped creatures loll about in the empty town centre smashed beyond belief on a cocktail of special brew and legal highs waiting for benefit day to come around again.

Redeeming features: surrounding countryside is very pretty, the town itself has many trees and a medieval church.

Worksop A place once connected with the romantic tales of Robin Hood. In many ways it hasn’t changed much because this place is still very much bandit country. One of the least inspiring places that we have ever been to, every shop in the centre is either boarded up or sells electronic cigarettes.

Redeeming features: Near Sherwood forest.

Rhyl was once a thriving seaside resort which was very popular with families. These days it looks like a town out of the computer game Fallout. A post apocolyptal ruin populated by half mutated zombies hobbling about, clawing at each other and fighting for meagre resources.

Redeeming features: The rest of North Wales is really very beautiful.

Runcorn and Widnes although these two are separate towns they are so near to each other that they can come under one title. They are divided only by the bridge which is the local suicide hotspot. Runcorn has a gene pool so shallow that, were you to dive in, you would break ever bone in your body and turn into a puddle of goo. Coincidently at this point, you would have a similar intelligence level to your average Runcorner. Indeed, you can easily spot a local, they have a forehead that keeps their feet dry. Widnes however is an industrial estate. Not has an industrial estate, the whole town is an industrial estate. If it did have a building of any architectural interest, someone would immediately knock it down to build a warehouse. Every time you drive through here, someone in the car will be accused of farting, they haven’t, that’s just what it smells like around here.

Redeeming features: good road links make it very easy to leave.

Haverfordwest Nestled in astonishingly beautiful Pembrokeshire, the only thing that was astonishing about this town was the amount of blood and vomit on the streets. Trying to navigate the pavement, we just sloshed about from one bodily fluid puddle to another in our pained attempt to reach the town centre.

Redeeming features: its in Pembrokeshire, the rest of which is beautiful.

Great Yarmouth ‘The Blackpool of the South; except this place is worse even than Blackpool. Blackpool is totally tasteless and very nearly made this list, but Blackpool has its Pleasure Beach and its Tower. Great Yarmouth is Blackpool without a Pleasure Beach and without a tower. Tasteless, Tacky and Tattered are just three T’s that describe it, and you could put an F in front of any of these words too if you wanted.

Redeeming features: Nope, sorry.

Newquay

Newquay has the image of a cool, surfy laid back town. In reality this chav city is where the dregs of the UK’s council estates get cheap caravan holidays. If the rain starts, the beach is evacuated in favour of the run down town centre and OAP’s have to dodge the herds of children these people think they have a right to create but not pay for or educate. In good weather, illiterate meat heads with bulldog faces swagger shirtless comparing steroid addictions and tasteless, badly drawn tattoo’s.

Redeeming features: Nice(ish) beach.

Manchester

Speak to any Mancunian and they will give you the impression that their home city has a culture of music, theatre, architecture and art. In reality, you only have to be there five minutes to know that this verruca of the North should be better known for its truly massive homeless population. I think you may have to go to India to see a bigger one. Everyone should be ashamed that this level of suffering is allowed to exist at all, but I suppose the population have the genuinely colossal crime rate to worry about instead. When you consider that all this goes on under the nose of two of the richest football clubs in history, then you have a snapshot of everything that is wrong with society. This swollen puss filled boil of a city needs to deal with its hugely over inflated ego and face up to its real world problems. Manchester can be proud of NOTHING until this crime against human decency is remedied.

Redeeming features: Considering the scale of its homeless problem, the very suggestion that it may have a ‘redeeming feature’ is quite offensive.

A place near Stirling (we never found out the name of the place)

We found ourselves camping near here and took a walk in to find some food. Food was unavoidable as every building is a kebab house and every kebab house has at least one anti knife crime poster in the window. So do the bus stops and the telegraph poles and any surface its possible to stick an anti knife crime poster to. I don’t know where I got it from, but I got the distinct impression that this might not be the safest town in the UK.

Redeeming features: No.

Scarborough South bay

Every other spoken word here is an F word, indeed in the vocabulary of the people that holiday here, this word seems to be a gravitational centre around which their entire vocabulary spins. There is enough sugar on sale to sink a Spanish Galleon and enough E-numbers to dye the North sea a rosy shade of pink. Yet mothers wonder why they have some of the most uncontrollable children in the world, they are so hyperactive it is as if they are about to spontaneously combust, when I was there I was rather hoping that they all would.

Redeeming features: Lots of em’. North bay is very nice, Peasholm park is one of the nicest public parks in the UK, the entire coastline is beautiful, so is the countryside. The museum is interesting and the local people are nice. See our article top 6 things to do on the Yorkshire coast.